Stuff on My Desk: Rockin' Pinocchio

I spend a significant amount of time in a cubicle. It's a 6x8, gray, lifeless, soul-sucking space with absolutely no personality. And like many cube-dwellers, in order to maintain my sanity, over the years I've added layers of photos, posters and tchotchkes to liven up the space.

So I decided that, during the month of December, I'm going to show you the Stuff on My Desk.

(I did warn you that my blog offerings this month were going to be less than inspired. And here we are.)

So for this first installment, let me introduce you to what I call my Rockin' Pinocchio:


He's made of plastic. I don't remember what company made him or why I have him, but I remember that he came in a plastic egg. He's assembled with a series of plastic pieces and a metal rocker that fit together with tiny tabs. And his features are actually stickers that I had to affix myself.

When you tap either side of him, the round orange piece makes Pinocchio rock back and forth on the green stand he's sitting on.

He amuses me during long conference calls.

Although I've never figured out why he's apparently in a fighting stance. Perhaps Jiminy Cricket was being a smarty-pants.

Gift-giving philosophy

I think I may subscribe to the "Shit My Dad Says" philosophy on Christmas-gift-giving this year:

"Everybody's broke, so here's the rule for Christmas this year; if you still shit your pants, you get a present. Otherwise tough shit."

Heh.

Is it wrong...

...that I laughed the whole way through this (short) article?

What a loon.

Um, word.

Regardless of whether or not he had a publicist's help in writing this, bravo to Tiger's apology.

Sounds like he cheated, which is obviously gross. But he manages to come off as both contrite and (justifiably) angry with the intrusive press in his statement, and I think both sentiments come off as genuine.

I can't say I'm a Tiger fan, generally, but this is probably the most gracefully-handled and seemingly-genuine apology I've seen from a celebrity. I hope it's sincere. And I hope the stupid press drops this now and starts talking about actual news.

Sniff

I sit next to the kitchenette at work. As a result, horrible, AWFUL smells are continually washing over me as people make cheesy microwave popcorn (which smells like FEET) and warm up their leftover Chinese/Indian/fish-products.

(I'm not even going to comment on the people who pound on the vending machines and curse loudly, as though they were the ONLY person in the world and I wasn't sitting four feet away trying to, oh, I don't know, WORK.)

But just now, the guy in the cube next to me (whom I call "Snorty," for the reason you'd think) is peeling an orange.

Is there any better smell than a freshly-peeled orange? Not for my money.

Sigh. It's so lovely. I could almost forgive his repeated sinus-horking if he'd just peel an orange and let me smell it every day.

Favorite smells? Do tell.

Eight Completely Selfish Reasons the Holidays Stress Me Out

1. Between traveling to see family and spending any free time either brainstorming about present ideas or shopping for said presents, my Tivo gets completely overloaded. When will I have time to watch it all? When?!


2. On a related note, who had the bright idea to put So You Think You Can Dance up against an HD version of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer on Wednesday? Why don't you just ask me to choose between my dogs, you sadists!


3. There are too many food choices. Three meats, 12 different kinds of potatoes, 25 different vegetables, 167 desserts. What do I eat?! Where do I turn?! Aaaaaahhhhh!!


4. The song "Feliz Navidad" makes me want to impale myself on a sprig of mistletoe. I don't know why. But it gets stuck in my head for DAYS and makes me INSANE.


5. Between my neighbors' and my co-workers' kids, I am now supporting every single class in every single school in Central Ohio. I cannot say no to a preschooler selling $35 candles who tells me, "I get a pri-thze if I th-ell the mo-tht. Can you buy the one with the pic-thure of the birdhou-th?" At least I have a stash of overpriced tchotchkes and giant tins of popcorn to give to people I don't like that much.
   
6. Speaking of things I don't need: EVERY SINGLE COMPANY I've ever ordered anything from is bombarding me with e-mails about special holiday deals for things I would never want or need. Just because I once ordered tickets for Wicked doesn't mean I want to see A Holiday Classic with Tom Jones and Olivia Newton John*, TICKETMASTER.
   
7. I get that times are tough, and companies have to tighten their belts. I'm sure that extends to advertising, too. But if Hershey's could please, for the love, develop a new commercial to replace their "Hershey's Kiss handbells playing We Wish You a Merry Christmas" where the little Kiss wipes its forehead at the end with its tiny Kiss paper and goes, "Whew!" -- I would greatly appreciate it. I'm fairly certain that was created in the 80s. At first it was cute. Now it's just lazy.
   
8. What with all the witticisms and heartfelt sentiments I'm pouring into my Christmas cards, I'm nearly dry when it comes to mustering up things to write about on this blog. I'm just going to apologize in advance.
   

(Relax, I'm joking about most or maybe all of this. I love the holidays. But if you find me rocking back and forth in the corner whispering "I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas from the bottom of my heaaaaaaaaaarrrrt" while quietly weeping, please handle me with care.)

*May or may not be an event I just made up.

Out for turkey.

I could go either way on this one.

So today I tried Yoplait's new coffee-flavored yogurt.

I picked it up at the grocery store last weekend on a whim, and just finished eating it.

Hm.

On the one hand, it's intriguing. I like coffee-flavored things (ice cream, and... OK, maybe just ice cream). I like flavored coffee. Their yogurts tend to taste like what they're intended to taste like.

The first bite was...odd. It's very strong-tasting. And it tastes a little bit like coffee with a lot of artificial sweetener (which it probably does have) and possibly some liquor (not entirely a bad thing).

I'm pretty sure that, upon taking the first bite, my face resembled a tiny child trying a new food for the first time (La-la-la-Lila eating bananas comes to mind): "OMG what is this it might be gross do I like it I think I might like it but I think I'll spit it out anyway."

And then: the aftertaste. It is wicked. And not the good, Boston-accented type of wicked. More like the never-going-to-leave-my-mouth-so-I'll-probably-be-eating-coffee-flavored-turkey-tomorrow kind of wicked.

Has anyone else tried this? I'm on the fence. It wasn't bad, but I'm thinking I will pass over this and just grab more Harvest Peach from now on.

(I did see, while looking for the image above, that boingboing.com beat me to the punch on this one. And they boiled their review down to one word: Horrid. Ha.)

Can I express my undying love and devotion...

...for people who use "regardless" and "irrespective" correctly?

It is SO RARE. I almost stood up and cheered during a conference call today.

(Also: I realize that some people get hungry and feel snacky between breakfast and lunch. But does that mean they have to make popcorn at 9:30 in the morning? I feel like I'm going to throw up.)