September 1, 2011

Exaggerated crises


Our air conditioning is out.

I don't really understand the particulars, but essentially it just keeps running and running and running but no cold air (or any air, period) is coming through the vents.

It needs some serious repair, that much is evident. But we'd decided to "ride it out" since it's basically fall, and we need a host of other more immediate expensive things in preparation for a March baby (including, but not limited to, a new washer, new windows and propane for, y'know, heat for the winter).

The Weather Channel says it is 87 degrees at my house, and it feels like 92. I don't really understand heat indexes (indices?) but my own pregnant ass is telling me that 92 is a joke and it is HOT AS BALLS in my house.

(Note: This is a technical term used by meterologists. Don't look it up. Just trust me.)

So: Windows are open, fan is on, conference calls are being had while I'm sweatin' (although, sadly, not to the oldies). But I FEEL LIKE I'M DYING.

(Am I dying? Most decidedly not. Am I incredibly spoiled because many people who aren't even in third-world countries only get to experience A/C when they go to the supermarket? Most definitely. But I'm hot RIGHT NOW and therefore need a solution.)

Things I am considering to cool off after work:
  • Breaking into the (now closed for the winter -- WHY?!) county pool and having a one-woman pool party until the cops arrest me for trespassing

  • Taking a cold shower and then lying on the bed, spread-eagled and whimpering

  • Whining until someone buys me ice cream and then feeds it to me

  • Constructing a suit out of ice cube-filled Ziploc bags and parading through my neighborhood wearing nothing else

  • Crying, allowing my tears to lower my body temperature

  • Getting the dogs to fan me with palm fronds (will need to invent prosthetic thumbs)

If anyone has less humiliating suggestions (that don't involve telling me to just get over myself, because I know, OK?), please lay 'em on me.

6 backtalk:

Amber said...

Love this post! I feel like this just about every day. (Even in November!)

Trophy Life said...

in order you should: get the prosthetic thumbs and palm thing taken care of, cry, take a cold shower and then lie down on the bed for dogs to fan you. the visual is a little bit PG-13, but i think it would help.

and, more importantly, it would save you from some of the public humiliation a few of the other options would incur.

just sayin'.

also, just sayin' that i love you, hang in there, you're busy cooking a baby in there and...stay cool!!

Anonymous said...

You should just come visit. If you'er going to be hot you might as well be hot in MX. I also think the views are better.

Craig

Abbe said...

bullet point number 2. fo sho. :)

Wendy said...

Mother nature needs to realize that it's fucking SEPTEMBER and therefore there should be NO "heat indices" including in the weather forecast because it's SEPTEMBER and that means hot ball weather should be OVER!



* I apologize for my cussing but hot damn it's supposed to be 98 degrees today! W.T.F.!!!!!!!!!!!!!

wrestling kitties said...

HAHA! I don't know what I would have done if the air went out in our house during this hot summer. Possibly sell a kidney to get it fixed!

My sister will be under a blanket and I hardly have any clothes on. It is just how I roll :)

I think any one of those suggestions are fantastic. Hopefully you are cooled off now, isn't this weather the past couple days AMAZING! I actually left the house willingly yesterday and we turned off the AC and had the screen door open. LOVE THE FALL!!!

(That picture CRACKS me up!!)

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