October 14, 2010

Celebrity Smackdown: Brett Favre Edition

Dear Brett Favre,

As recently as last week, the image above would've evoked a hearty "Well, hello there, howdyado?" from me, followed by some awkward winking and possibly throat-growling.

Whenever your Wrangler ad came on the ol' telly, I made everyone stop talking so I could gawk at your grizzly hotness in perfect silence.

When T tried repeatedly to dissuade my adoration by reminding me that you are a grandfather, I told him to shut it. I would totally have brought you tea and wrapped you in an afghan and rubbed your bunions.

The fact that you were married and, by all appearances, a devoted family man, made you even more attractive. You stood by your wife through her battle with cancer. You're actually involved with your kids (and, OK, grandkids). And something-football-quarterback-records-blah blah blah.

All awesome.

And then, I found out you're being accused of parading your weiner around like a show dog at the Westminster.

By a myriad of women, some of them married, and all of them NOT YOUR WIFE.

And there's always the possibility that those women are lying. But if we've learned anything at all from President Clinton and Tiger Woods, it's that where there's a Paula Zahn, there's usually also a Monica Lewinsky waiting to throw a stained dress at you, and where there's a reality show contestant with incriminating voicemails, there's also a Perkin's waitress waiting to "take your order," if you get what I'm saying.

So today, Brett, I'm officially breaking up with you.

You're no longer my Sunday afternoon boyfriend.

While I'll never deny that you rock the crap out of a pair of jeans...you really need to learn how to keep them on. I'm saying.

Now quit all your boo-hooing and go get some help, instead of buying your wife a giant diamond like everyone else in this situation seems to.

All the best (you stinky, stinky cheater),


4 backtalk:

AthenaBee said...

ASShole. Seriously. I have no faith in men sometimes. This is why I had to break up with Jude Law.

Trophy Life said...

oh, man. that was HYSTERICAL. YOU, my friend, have the incredible gift of making me LOL at my desk.

Running Chatter said...

Hilarious! Thank you. . . I really, really needed that laugh.

Iris Took said...

WP - your writing is amazing.

What is NOT amazing is all these stories about sports stars and their infidelity. I hate to say it, but we need to assume that they are all lying, cheating, perverted, scumbags.

These men are full of testosterone, they are PAID, and treated like Gods. It's no wonder they have no conscience. Not as if that is ANY sort of excuse, it's most certainly not. It's just sad.

This is why I like Rock N Roll. These pricks don't even PRETEND to be family men. Tommy Lee - scumbag and proud. Likes it.

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