February 10, 2010

Hallmark stinks.


Or maybe it's just that our local Kroger has an atrocious selection of cards.

Because when I went to pick out birthday cards for two of our friends, it was a vast wasteland of horrid rhyming "Wishing you a happy day/in positively every single way!" and "I asked this special birthday fish/to send you a happy birthday wish!" (Um, what? Please don't ever send me a birthday fish of any kind. And what qualifies this fish to be a "birthday fish" to start with? Very suspect.)

Or, my personal favorites, the "funny" ones: "I looked into the sky on your birthday and saw a huge glowing light, and that's when I knew...it was your cake."

(That kind of card always makes me think of the episode of Friends when Rachel turns 30, and someone gives her a card that says something like, "It's better to be over the hill than buried under it!" And then she bursts out crying. As she should have. Not because she's turning 30, but because anyone who gives you a card like that clearly secretly hates you.)

I think the Hallmark folks have officially run out of ideas and have taken to asking kindergarteners for their new lines of cards.

How else can you explain the card I ended up actually buying for one of my friends?

"I'm so happy it's your birthday, I could just fart."

But maybe they're on to something. Because come on: Farts are funny.

Apparently I'm just super cynical. At this point in my life, there are very few cards whose printed messages make me giggle, or go "awwww," or evoke any kind of emotion, for that matter.* The handwritten messages from my husband, family and friends INSIDE the cards? That's the good stuff.

In fact, maybe Hallmark should hire my husband. He may not be much better at rhyming, but finding a way to work "stinky britches" into a birthday wish and still coming off as cute takes talent.


* I do enjoy the musical cards. But have you ever tried getting one for a co-worker and passing it around for everyone to sign, and hearing "I'm Walkin' On Sunshine" 35 times from each individual cubicle as everyone opens it to sign it, and then opens it and closes it another three times because they think the song is funny and now they're singing along to it and dancing around in their cube? Maybe it's just my office.

7 backtalk:

Mickey D. said...

Who-larious! I couldn't agree more! I think they should re-label the "funny card" section to just "cards". There is never anything remotely funny about them.

I've taken to just buying blank cards and writing my own comments in. It's easier and I don't spend 20 minutes looking through a bunch of cards that make me roll my eyes and gag.

(I find you quite funny and entertaining. I'm happy to read your blog. Just thought you'd like to know that.)

Written Permission said...

Aw, thank you, McD! That makes me so happy. :) And I can't wait to hear more about Miss Stella when you have a moment to breathe!!

Iris Took said...

AGREEEEEEEEE!

Why don't they just make cards with awesome pictures on the front with a BLANK inside or maximum two words. Example: Congratulations, Sorry, Hooray, Good Luck, Condolences, Best Wishes. You get the idea. Then you can actually write something heartfelt and not rely on the cheese heads at Hallmark to make it "funny" or "sincere" for you.

I hate it when I see a great wedding card on the outside and then it's all icky mush crap on the inside. I think, Bob and Sarah will NEVER believe this $75 is from me with this terrible card. I will just have to buy from the Mahogany section...again. PS Those are good.

I don't care who you are, farts are funny.

Metacognitive Musings said...

Yes, good cards are hard to find. I wanted to find a "Thinking of You" card for a co-worker who recently lost his dad. I stood there for 20 minutes before I could find ONE that didn't feel like it was crossing boundary lines in some way or another. And good birthday cards? Forget about it!
Although I did laugh out loud that you bought a fart card. The subject never gets old. :)

Amber said...

I agree!

However, I would like to find that fart card. I can think of 3 people off the top of my head who would love that card! :-)

Ky (Two Pretzels) said...

HAHAHAHAHAHA.

Remember our "sickies" card?

And, C. and I were just talking abou how hilarious farts are. Lila was crawling and each time she moved, she farted.

Lol.

Still laughing about that.

wrestling kitties said...

"I'm so happy it's your birthday, I could just fart."

HAHAHA. I WANT that card.

I totally agree, though my sister and I do love looking through cards, because through all the crap ones we will find that one funny one (most likely the only one there) that has us laughing hysterically in the store.

Have you tried the record your own message card? T., K., and I did that this past year for my mom's b-day and it was awesome! best card in a long time!

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