The Internet is stupid.

So I'm having trouble thinking of a Christmas gift for my mom.

She's wonderful, but notoriously hard to buy for. She recently retired, and she takes care of my niece every other week, and she dotes on my grandparents and her friends and other family members. When she isn’t in constant motion, she’d just as soon sit down with a magazine or watch some kind of sporting event (which still baffles me. This is my mother we’re talking about. We could not be more polar opposite in this respect), but she also likes nice things.

I was thinking about an “…of the month” club gift. Fruit, wine, chocolate – something like that. Then I looked up a few of them online. Holy crap. They’re unfortunately a liiiiittle out of my price range this year. Those Harry & David guys are making a killing.

So I headed to trusty ol’ Google and typed in “gift ideas,” which led to a SUPER helpful site called FindGift.com. You tell them who the gift is for, the person’s relationship to you and their age, and the occasion. They even have a cheesy adorable “gift wizard” (with a…Palm Pilot?) to help you in your quest:


Following the wizard’s instructions, I dutifully entered the information and sat back to watch the magic ensue.

Wanna guess the number-one gift suggestion for my lovely mother?

Yeah. An OVEN SQUIRREL.

What the hell is an oven squirrel, you may be asking yourself (as I certainly was)?

Apparently, it’s a “home safety device” (um, what?) that keeps you from burning your hands when you get things out of the oven. You use the squirrel’s little wooden ears to hook onto and PULL the oven rack toward you, then you use its paws to PUSH it back in.

So, the Internet wants me to pay $21.99 for what is, essentially, a wooden and much-more-awkwardly-constructed OVEN MITT? Not to mention that the squirrel? Is not cute. It is tacky and stupid-looking. And, it’s just stupid.

Much like the Internet.

My other favorite (this is sarcasm, aight?) suggestions included:

#1: Instant Infant

What a horrible thing to give your mother! A very “in your FACE” move. Yuck.

*****

#2: I Am A Stuffed Animal Buddy

Because there’s nothing my 60-year-old mother wants more than a stuffed version of herself, so she…never has to brush her teeth alone? Also, that is possibly the worst product name in the history of time.

*****

#3: Tattoos for the Elderly

"This makes the perfect gift for saying you're old!" OK, that’s just mean.

*****

#4: Head spa

If you know my mother, just picture her with this on her head and you’ll laugh for five hours.

*****

And, my personal favorite, #5: Cat butt magnets

“Everyone loves cat butts!” If that is true, I hate everyone.

And, it comes with a bonus hair ball. I don't even know what that could possibly mean. But I do know you can’t put a price on Christmas memories like that.